Embarrassing moments – trials and tribulations of being a mummy

I am a magnet for embarrassing moments, they are attracted to me and where ever I am embarrassment follows – especially since having my daughter Jennifer! Even hours before Jennifer came into the world when I was laid on the hospital bed after my seriously satisfying epidural and I was drifting in and out of sleep with only my midwife for company. I heard a rip-roaring fart – I was disgusted that a woman working for the NHS could let rip with such gusto especially in front of a patient! Anyway long story short it was me. Yes I, a girl who has never even farted in front of her boyfriend of 3 years was able to ‘comedy fart’ like an amplified whoopee cushion. Pure embarrassment.

After Jenny was born my life became one embarrassing moment after another. There was the time I was shopping in Babies R Us; I asked a young shop assistant loads of questions about specific baby toys. After long conversations with several staff I left the shop feeling proud of my savvy purchases. In the car park I looked down at my grey top, it was soaking! I had two huge obvious circles of breast milk – I’d stupidly forgotten to wear breast pads I was crimson for the rest of the day and actually almost cried about it I was so mortified.

When Jenny was 2 months old we went shopping into the city centre and when we got there we realised that stupidly we had left the changing bag at home – *slaps self on forehead*. We thought it would be fine as Jenny had just filled her nappy before we left and had a fresh, clean nappy on – we were only going for the last hour and then a quick bite to eat, what could go wrong? Jenny was making some elephant trumpeting sounds from her bottom which had woken her up so I lifted her out of her pram hoping it was just trumps, it wasn’t – I had newborn yellow chip-shop-curry-sauce poo all over me, her outfit – all up her back – EVERYWHERE. I (covered in poo) ran to the nearest Tesco express, bought nappies and wipes and changed Jenny outside on a public bench. I had to dispose of her clothes as they were not only more poop than cotton, but they stank of that foisty newborn poo smell which was making me gag.

Another time, on my way back from visiting my mum who lives in Italy 5 month old Jenny did the worst poos in the most awkward of places. One was on the train to Pisa airport which had no toilet! I had to take Jenny, her pram and our luggage to the end of the carriage where the doors are. I laid the buggy flat and changed her god awful stinky cess pit of a nappy with Jenny screaming at the top of her lungs. We were not stable stood up even with the pram brakes on, the high speed train was making me stumble and make even more of a mess. Meanwhile the other passengers were muttering in Italian and swiftly moving away from us and the smelly poo. There was nowhere to dispose of the stinky nappy so I had to carry it on the hour long, sweltering hot journey. My face was a shocking shade of red! Jenny still managed to do another horrific poo on the plane just as the plane started moving. The seatbelt sign was on for obvious reasons and Jenny decided to push really hard and let rip with such might. The plane was packed and Jenny was sat on my knee when I felt something warm on my leg. Even before the plane had gathered enough speed to get us off the Pisa runway I had runny poo all over my jeans. The guy sat at the side of me unfortunately had a very sensitive gag reflex and started retching to the point of convulsion. We caused quite a commotion, it was absolutely awful. On the plus side Jenny found it hilarious.

I have many more poo stories of embarrassment but I think I’ve mentioned enough. When Jenny got a little older at about 18 months one of her first words was ‘cock’ which was her word for chocolate – a very inappropriate word but I couldn’t help the proud feeling, clever girl learning only what is necessary – I never saw her crawling full steam ahead at my ankles saying ‘broccoli’ or ‘grape’ it was always ‘cock’. Night mare. One of her moments to use this word was in the supermarket. Unfortunately on most isle ends they have chocolate and goodies on offer. EVERY TIME we passed an isle end she would scream “COCK!!!!” repeatedly, I told her no and that the chocolate was dirty – great parenting I know but I was mortified. My wonderful bundle of joy decided to make it worse by saying “TITTY COCK! TITTY COCK!!” which meant ‘dirty chocolate’ I was obviously looked at by all passersby like I was scum of the earth.

Basically my life since having Jenny is one ‘cock’ up after another but it’s how you deal with these little problems that counts. I have learned to laugh like I’ve never laughed before; I now shrug and plainly say ‘Kids!’ There’s nothing else you can do – if you dwell on things and take yourself too seriously then you’ll never look back fondly at these amazing memories. Being a parent is such hard work but so rewarding at the same time and the embarrassing times become humorous times – obviously the slap stick variety!

A video interview with me, Louise Hamilton author of Mummy Diaries: Pregnancy – Stumbling into the unknown!

Hi everyone – yes shock-horror, after months of radio silence I blog twice in one week?!

Well, I had forgotten that I’ve done this video interview with Farhan from workingparent.info. It was originally for the purpose of promoting my book for Mothers Day, but it is the first video interview I have done – and possibly the only one I will ever do – I sound terrible! I don’t recognise my voice at all! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, it introduces you properly to me, gives more of an insight as to why I wrote my pregnancy diary in the first place and what gave me the idea and inspiration to publish it for everyone to read!

Please share and comment, would love to know your thoughts, Lou xxx

Here is a link to my eBook on Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mummy-Diaries-Pregnancy-Stumbling-into-ebook/dp/B00AO5MDL0

I’m pregnant again! Second pregnancy, it’s a girl!

Wedding preparationsWell as the title suggests I am pregnant again!

Myself and Luke got married on Saturday 3rd May, it was literally the best day of our lives. I remember in the months leading up to our wedding marking out on our calendar when my periods were so see if I would be due on on my hen do and wedding day. I remember wincing when I realised that I would be due on 2 days after the big day and saying to my best friend Jade that it would be just my luck to be ‘on’ on my big day!

I was having my eyelashes and nails done the day before my wedding and I could feel the familiar pull in my tummy, I put it down to nerves but sure enough the morning of the wedding I looked down to see a streak of red in my knickers.. Damn!

Anyway, apart from that (and Luke’s parents being their usual idiot selves – yes even on our big day they couldn’t be nice) the day went so smoothly – and quickly! I remember going down to a bluebell wood with Luke and the photographer. We had a beautiful moment where we were just chatting away about the day and I just said out of the blue “So shall I come off my pill then?” with a cheeky grin on my face (half expecting him to tell me to shut up and stop being stupid) and he paused and replied “Yes – BUT this is the last we mention of it, we are not ‘trying’, we are not putting pressure on ourselves, or telling people, we are just having fun… OK?” to which I held him tighter with a huge grin on my face.

I didn’t take my pill that evening, or any other evening since then. We had ‘fun’ over the coming few weeks, not really mentioning it but we did have more nookie than usual. One of the only times we did speak about it I jokingly said I wondered how long it would take for us to get caught out, we both agreed to shush incase we jinxed anything, but said it could take us months or even years so not to be disappointed each time my period came.

My period never came. In fact I peed on a stick just two weeks after the wedding as I felt so strange and just knew I was already pregnant. It came back negative as it was so early but I just knew. A week later I was doing the dishes and was washing a metal baking tray and I could actually taste the metal, I could feel it on my teeth like I was chewing on tin foil. The next day I couldn’t even be around Luke when he was eating my favourite sweet chilli crisps as the smell was making me want to throw up. The day after, Luke and I were getting down to some baby-making, even after a lot of forplay I couldn’t get myself ‘ready’ down there and I got upset that something was wrong with me. I stopped suddenly and said that we needed to do a test.

I still thought it was early so we waited until we were in town the next day and bought a test. As soon as we got back to work I dissapeared off to the toilet to pee on it.. and it was positive! I went back into the office to break the news to Luke – who was on the phone to his best man.. for like EVER… I ended up interrupting their converation by announcing very bluntly that we were pregnant and he looked all pale and finally said “Oh my God!” I too thought we would have had months of fun ‘trying’ and we literally got caught out just days after our wedding!

12 Week scan picture

Anyway, the first 15 weeks were sheer hell, I felt like I was going to throw up at pretty much every smell, especially coffee and if I wasn’t threatening to spontaneously puke everywhere I was passing out or somewhere directly between the two nightmare situations. I became obsessed with drinking bottled water as water out of the tap tasted like chemicals (I KNOW THIS IS NOT NORMAL!), I craved toased bagels and Dime bars (again I look back and think I was being a diva).

Luckily for our Italian honeymoon I was normal again, and today I am 22 weeks pregnant! We found out our bump is a pink one and apart from the usual aches and pains I am feeling great! I even started a pregnancy yoga class which I am really enjoying! And I am also researching hypnobirthing as I feel so scared about the birth this time – I now know what’s coming!

Anyway I will write again really soon, I just wanted to fill you guys in 🙂 xxx

Update on me, sorry I’ve been quiet! (Marriage, in-laws and 2nd book to blame!)

Ok so I haven’t updated my blog in 9 whole months! *slapped wrist* Such a lot has happened, I’ll try and fill you all in as much as I can.

Luke and I bought our first house together in March 2012, then we got engaged in July 2012, I planned my wedding all last year and then got married 3 weeks ago!

My life has been a bit of whirlwind but I am the happiest I have ever been. I’m sure that anyone who has read my book ‘Mummy Diaries: Pregnancy – Stumbling into the unknown’ will want to know “What happened next?”. Luke’s mum is still majorly unstable, the news of our engagement didn’t go down well and caused us to have family counselling and for her to threaten to commit suicide. Things got slightly better when we had no contact with them for 6 months, but then got worse again as the wedding came near. She tried as hard as she could to ruin the whole lead-up to the wedding and on our wedding day his parents didn’t even congratulate us or watch our first dance.

All of that nonsense aside his mother being a complete pain in the ass is just what every in-law is supposed to do isn’t it? She is testing and trying me, and I have learned that I am now a better person for the hell she has put us through, I am more tolerant, more loving, more understanding, my patience has an epic time span, I am definitely the bigger person and I now just feel sorry for her. Now I am Luke’s WIFE (eeeek I still can’t get used to saying that) I have nothing else to fear. Our family is officially and properly united and we are trying for another baby. (well, not ‘trying’ just not using any form of contraception and seeing where it will take us). His mother gave birth to him and I can see why he gives her unlimited chances, it proves that I have married an amazing man and he will never give up on me.

On the book front, my second book is ready, I have again just asked my close friends to write a piece on their experiences of being a mum during their baby’s first year so once I have their pieces emailed over to me I will add them to my own book and send them off to the editors. Through Twitter I have found a local editor who I seem to get along with really well and I am really excited to be taking this next step. Fingers crossed my second book will be ready and published by September if not sooner – I just need a name for it – all suggestions are welcome. My first book is: Mummy Diaries: Pregnancy – Stumbling into the unknown. So my second book needs to be: Mummy Diaries: (something to do with babys first year)… Any help will be greatly appreciated!

I have also got a book trailer for my first book made by a local web design company in Lancaster called Intelligent Internet Ltd and I couldn’t have even imagined my promo video could look this good! Ever! Here is the link: My book trailer on YouTube

And if that inspires you to buy my first book here is the link to my Amazon page: My book sales page on Amazon

Thanks for reading and for your patience, I promise I will be better at blogging and social networking from now on, big hugs, Lou xxx

Travelling alone with a baby… My funny stories

Travelling abroad on your own with a baby is horrendous. I never want to do it again. Airlines charge extra for baggage so Jenny and I had to share just hand luggage for our week vacation to Italy to visit my mum who lives there, but even if they had of supplied us with baggage I wouldn’t have been able to carry it as pushing a buggy AND pulling a mini suitcase it difficult enough. Then I had to take off my boots at airport security while trying to soothe an upset baby, before having to hold the baby AND collapse a very stubborn pram at the same time because the airport have some idiotic policy that they can’t hold the baby and they are all so stupid they can’t take my direction on how to fold the pram down themselves; the outcome being that I almost dropped Jennifer then squashed her while I was blinking away the tears whilst slipping in my socks on the shiny floor wishing I was wearing my shoes. If that wasn’t traumatic enough they made me taste the bottle of ‘metallic milk’ which almost made me projectile vomit all over the security man. At 6 months old I had just weaned her off the boob and on to this awful powdered stuff; Jennifer is by this point screaming hysterically, I’m a sweaty, red and blotchy mess and we’ve only just started our trip.

The airport lounge is no better with no seats available and just before we board I realised that Jennifer has filled her nappy to the brim and I couldn’t find a toilet with baby changing facilities. Finding our boarding passes and passports for boarding the plane was an ordeal enough but then realising we had to go down a large flight of stairs with a baby, pram AND a mini suitcase was impossible on my own. I was close to tears again waiting for a passenger to stop and help me. Once on the plane it was worse still, trying to juggle Jennifer with a huge bag and still holding onto my boarding pass and passport for dear life. Then I realised that Jennifer’s bottle was stone cold and the air hostess couldn’t heat it up until the seatbelt sign was off so Jennifer spent the entire ascent screaming because her ears hurt. When I needed anything from my bag in the overhead compartment I had to rely on the kindness of strangers to help me lift it down each time, who hated me because of the screaming baby. As my bag was massive and everything I need for our holiday was crammed in this bag I was forever rooting round for Jenny’s soft toys to keep her entertained whilst balancing Jennifer on my hip. Then getting off the plane I had the same issues again, with the added troubles of knowing ZERO Italian and I needed to find a train station and find, pay for and validate my train ticket; AND board the train with the same difficulties of boarding the plane but with the added bonus of not knowing the language to say ‘please help’ or ‘I’m sorry’.

Luckily the week spent with my mum was well worth the trauma of travelling alone. We explored the local town of Arezzo (Tuscany) and I was introduced to proper Italian cooking and the magical stuff that is Gelato (Italian ice cream). The last half of the holiday we decided to visit Florence and Rome, where I took pictures of Jenny outside the Colluseum and our trip went from being a fantastic catch up to being the trip of a lifetime.

The return journey from Italy was a nightmare as predicted. Jenny did the worst poos in the most awkward of places – one of which was the train which had no toilet! I had to take Jenny, her pram and our luggage to the end of the carriage where the doors are. I laid the buggy flat and changed her god awful stinky cess pit of a nappy with Jenny screaming at the top of her lungs. We were not stable stood up even with the pram brakes on, the high speed train was making me stumble and make even more of a mess. Meanwhile the other passengers were muttering in Italian and swiftly moving away from us and the smelly poo. There was nowhere to dispose of the stinky nappy so I had to carry it on the hour long, sweltering hot journey. My face was a shocking shade of red! Jenny still managed to do another horrific poo on the plane just as the plane started moving. The seatbelt sign was on for obvious reasons and Jenny decided to push really hard and let rip with gusto. The plane was packed and Jenny was sat on my knee when I felt something warm drip down my leg. Even before the plane had gathered enough speed to get us off the Pisa runway I had runny shit all over my jeans. The guy sat at the side of me unfortunately had a very sensitive gag reflex and started retching. We caused quite a commotion, it was awful, on the plus side Jenny found it hilarious.

My tips for travelling with a baby are:

Bring as many nappies as you can cram in your suitcase as not only are they mostly overpriced but the quality of the 3 brands I tried were awful.

Invest in a bottle cool bag as if the weather is warm and you have pre-made bottles they quickly become unusable.

When choosing a buggy to buy for a holiday choose the most compact and lightweight one you can find – also make sure you are able to collapse it one handed if travelling alone.

Pack LOTS of your baby’s favourite toys and books to keep little one entertained on the plane.

A drink will help with the pressure in baby’s ears on ascent and descent of the plane, for the next holiday I made sure I had cooled boiled water to hand.

Make a little bag inside your hand luggage you can separate by your feet for the plane journey so unlike me you don’t have to be rooting around in your main bag flinging underwear, nappies and bikini’s around the plane when all you needed was a bib!

Pack loose lightweight clothing for baby for hot holidays, nothing too fussy or fancy as you’ll probably need to dampen them if baby gets too hot.

Always keep an eye out for the nearest toilet with baby changing facilities!

Definitely get travel insurance as Jenny got ill on every holiday we have been on and it’s not worth the worry of expensive medical bills.

And finally take lots of pictures and enjoy yourself!

Bad reviews = Bad sma-shmoooos! Mummy Diaries: Pregnancy – Stumbling into the unknown

As I’ve not written on here for a while (slap wrist) I thought it best to do a post and update everyone on how I am and what I’ve been up to.

I am still feeling bitter about the negative feedback I received about my book, I know at this present time I have TWENTY THREE 5-star reviews but the 1 x 1 star and 1 x 2 star, are really getting to me still.

It’s taken me a long time to write this as I didn’t want to end up rambling and ranting but the 1 star review really hit me like a smack in the face. People say you should focus on the positives and not the negatives and at the time I had 17 or so gleaming 5* reviews, but it was so unexpected! I was just checking my Amazon page as per usual and it said 18 reviews which was 1 more than the previous evening so I eagerly clicked on to read what wonderful things someone had said about me this time and BAM… 1 star with the title ‘awful’. It read as follows:

I had high hopes for this book but it was awful! I dont know why people are saying its an honest account, I find the author whiney and self centred. There is nothing useful about this book, a complete waste of money. dont bother!

I stopped breathing. This was someone who had read my book? I had spent two years of my life writing, re-structuring, editing, scrutinising, compiling the perfect hints and tips section, and harassing ladies I know to give me their pregnancy and birth stories as I know no two pregnancies and births are the same, to create the ‘perfect’ pregnancy companion and this lady had read this very same book??

So I did what any sane 27 year old would do and cried. Hysterically.

I also wrote Tweets with a few swear words thrown in for good measure. My friend Charlie (@charlieplunkett author of: The True Diary of a Bride-to-be, The True Diary of a Mum-to-be, The True Diary of Baby’s First Year and 100 Little Words on Parenthood) called me straight away, not that I could speak through the hysterical childish sobs. Luckily 15 minutes later she had calmed me down and my voice was back to normal, bar the bunged up nose and the random hiccup-things a child has after a raging tantrum.

It took days to shake off that horrible back cloud, someone HATED my book – not dislike, not “I won’t read that one again.” Nope, took the time to go online and slate it good and proper. The thing that really got to me was that it wasn’t even an Amazon Verified purchase so she most probably didn’t even read my book.

The next bad review was from a lady called Emily – Verified purchase so she had actually bought it – she gave 2 stars and it read:

This mainly focuses on the lady’s seemingly doomed relationship with the father of her child which overshadows any actual pregnancy information or stories. There is a good collection of her friends’ birth stories which is the redeeming factor of the book but I found it all a rather depressing read to be honest!

That I can deal with, not a personal attack, just criticism. I responded to re-writing some of the blurb on Amazon to:

*WARNING* this book is not sugar coated, I do not lead a perfect life and the future of my relationship is uncertain – I hope this will make people who have the wonderful, loving husband and the perfect(ish) planned pregnancy see a different side to pregnancy, and those in a similar situation relate to parts of what they are reading – above all I hope you have a great time devouring my honest account.

I knew that when I wrote and published my book I left myself wide open to public criticism, but I never expected to feel physically winded – like a punch in the stomach. When pregnancy is such a stressful and emotional time in a woman’s life, putting pen to paper is so hard, trying to describe how terrible you feel for most of it, coming to terms with changing relationships, changing body, changing life – everything is so unstable. So for me to pour my heart out and be so brutally honest when I felt most vulnerable I thought was brave and I thought by sharing it may help women in similar situations.

Above all, I felt the comments unnecessary this is why they have lingered with me for so long – never mind turning my glowing 5 star average into a 4 ½ star average. Grumble..

Anyway, my book ‘Mummy Diaries: Pregnancy – stumbling into the unknown’ is doing well, currently #10 in the Amazon Bestsellers chart for Motherhood on Kindle so I’m happy about that. I am running a May Promotion where my book is just 77p so grab it while you can and enjoy if you haven’t already! Make your own mind up 🙂


Lou xxx