Postnatal depression is getting the better of me today. #pnd         


Today is a bad day. I tell myself this over and over again in a vain attempt to calm myself down and slow my heart so it isn’t going to pound right out of my chest. If I sit here trying to push those feelings to one side and pretend to be normal then my panicked state gets worse. My head is going a million miles an hour and is setting me off into a spin.

 
Currently I am sat in the back of the car travelling the 2 hours it takes to get to Leeds to visit my husbands brother, wife and new baby. We are two and a half hours late setting off. 
I panicked all morning. It started with Emily being up several times in the night. She is now 11 months old and is teething. She is constantly whimpering, and is clingy to the point that if I leave the room she cannot cope and absolutely melts down like her whole world has ended. I feel like I need to have a proper Emily-style melt down. 

When the morning came, my husband decided that he needed an extra 10 minutes in bed. Diddums that he is tired after staying up till 2am watching the end of season 1 of Prison Break. 
His extra 10 minutes turned into an hour, all the while I was stressing out, bathing both the children, sorting clothes to pack for our overnight visit to Leeds, trying to find time to give the baby a breastfeed, making up a bottle instead, tiding up after my whirlwind of a 5 year old daughter, giving the children breakfast, negotiating what the baby and 5 year old want to eat – and what the baby would rather throw at me or on the floor, answering about fifty questions the 5 year old has an various subjects including asking why buddy our elf in the shelf hasn’t been collected by Santa yet – damn you buddy!!! Packing the changing bag, Putting washing on and the drier on, all while Lord muck was enjoying his snoozing.

I felt with every minute my stress levels rise until I actually started growling. I was snapping at everyone, I had zero patience and it took all of my energy not to just sit there in the corner amongst the chaos and rock back and forth staring at the wall like the unhinged person I know is lurking under my skin. When the husband finally surfaced he made fun of my stressed state by saying “chillllll winstonnnn” in a Jamaican accent which made my mental state probably around about a million per cent worse. 

I don’t actually know how I got through the morning. I don’t know how the kids are dressed, how they are clean, I’m pretty sure we have missed out lunch completely. I did a wash load then just left in on the carpet next to the clothes maid then in the last 30 seconds before we left I remembered about it, scrabbled to put it all out, still growling as I’m being hurried out of the door. 

It’s like I have been up 5 hours and I haven’t stopped for a rest, yet I have got things done that would usually (on a good day) have taken me about an hour and a half. I have been rushed by the husband for the last hour with little useful help from him at all. I am complaining I know, but I have even said to him today that I feel like a single parent getting everything done on my own with no help. This would usually be ok and I am usually a competent and organised person but my head isn’t on straight today. Knowing we have a time that we have to leave by, being rushed, having very little help and packing for a night away while dealing with a curious 5 year old who asks endless questions, and a teething baby who has done two severe poop explosions this morning already isn’t a great combination. Today is a bad day. 
I’m sat in the car wondering what I actually packed in our overnight bag because as I am not thinking straight at all I have a sneaking suspicion that when we unpack the bag will be full of dirty washing from the laundry basket, wet towels or clothes from the charity shop pile. Or plates. Yes, just a pile of crockery I have probably packed instead of clothes. I didn’t hear the bag clang and rattle but I wouldn’t put any of this past me I am fucking useless and my brain will not perform simple tasks, I am overwhelmed. I am broken. I am still growling. My throat hurts.

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