I am a magnet for embarrassing moments, they are attracted to me and where ever I am embarrassment follows – especially since having my daughter Jennifer! Even hours before Jennifer came into the world when I was laid on the hospital bed after my seriously satisfying epidural and I was drifting in and out of sleep with only my midwife for company. I heard a rip-roaring fart – I was disgusted that a woman working for the NHS could let rip with such gusto especially in front of a patient! Anyway long story short it was me. Yes I, a girl who has never even farted in front of her boyfriend of 3 years was able to ‘comedy fart’ like an amplified whoopee cushion. Pure embarrassment.
After Jenny was born my life became one embarrassing moment after another. There was the time I was shopping in Babies R Us; I asked a young shop assistant loads of questions about specific baby toys. After long conversations with several staff I left the shop feeling proud of my savvy purchases. In the car park I looked down at my grey top, it was soaking! I had two huge obvious circles of breast milk – I’d stupidly forgotten to wear breast pads I was crimson for the rest of the day and actually almost cried about it I was so mortified.
When Jenny was 2 months old we went shopping into the city centre and when we got there we realised that stupidly we had left the changing bag at home – *slaps self on forehead*. We thought it would be fine as Jenny had just filled her nappy before we left and had a fresh, clean nappy on – we were only going for the last hour and then a quick bite to eat, what could go wrong? Jenny was making some elephant trumpeting sounds from her bottom which had woken her up so I lifted her out of her pram hoping it was just trumps, it wasn’t – I had newborn yellow chip-shop-curry-sauce poo all over me, her outfit – all up her back – EVERYWHERE. I (covered in poo) ran to the nearest Tesco express, bought nappies and wipes and changed Jenny outside on a public bench. I had to dispose of her clothes as they were not only more poop than cotton, but they stank of that foisty newborn poo smell which was making me gag.
Another time, on my way back from visiting my mum who lives in Italy 5 month old Jenny did the worst poos in the most awkward of places. One was on the train to Pisa airport which had no toilet! I had to take Jenny, her pram and our luggage to the end of the carriage where the doors are. I laid the buggy flat and changed her god awful stinky cess pit of a nappy with Jenny screaming at the top of her lungs. We were not stable stood up even with the pram brakes on, the high speed train was making me stumble and make even more of a mess. Meanwhile the other passengers were muttering in Italian and swiftly moving away from us and the smelly poo. There was nowhere to dispose of the stinky nappy so I had to carry it on the hour long, sweltering hot journey. My face was a shocking shade of red! Jenny still managed to do another horrific poo on the plane just as the plane started moving. The seatbelt sign was on for obvious reasons and Jenny decided to push really hard and let rip with such might. The plane was packed and Jenny was sat on my knee when I felt something warm on my leg. Even before the plane had gathered enough speed to get us off the Pisa runway I had runny poo all over my jeans. The guy sat at the side of me unfortunately had a very sensitive gag reflex and started retching to the point of convulsion. We caused quite a commotion, it was absolutely awful. On the plus side Jenny found it hilarious.
I have many more poo stories of embarrassment but I think I’ve mentioned enough. When Jenny got a little older at about 18 months one of her first words was ‘cock’ which was her word for chocolate – a very inappropriate word but I couldn’t help the proud feeling, clever girl learning only what is necessary – I never saw her crawling full steam ahead at my ankles saying ‘broccoli’ or ‘grape’ it was always ‘cock’. Night mare. One of her moments to use this word was in the supermarket. Unfortunately on most isle ends they have chocolate and goodies on offer. EVERY TIME we passed an isle end she would scream “COCK!!!!” repeatedly, I told her no and that the chocolate was dirty – great parenting I know but I was mortified. My wonderful bundle of joy decided to make it worse by saying “TITTY COCK! TITTY COCK!!” which meant ‘dirty chocolate’ I was obviously looked at by all passersby like I was scum of the earth.
Basically my life since having Jenny is one ‘cock’ up after another but it’s how you deal with these little problems that counts. I have learned to laugh like I’ve never laughed before; I now shrug and plainly say ‘Kids!’ There’s nothing else you can do – if you dwell on things and take yourself too seriously then you’ll never look back fondly at these amazing memories. Being a parent is such hard work but so rewarding at the same time and the embarrassing times become humorous times – obviously the slap stick variety!